why hello, livejournal.
it's been a damn long time.


school started on .. what was it, the second of september?
that's been going decently enough. i'm not failing any of my classes. not even the ap ones. so that's a plus. i pretty much bombed my stats test, though. oh well. i'll make up for it. i need to make up for it. i can't bullshit my way through everything like i've been doing since 7th grade anymore. it's not going to work. i have to apply myself. & i have to break bad habits. slightly stressed about that, but i'll survive. i always find a way to manage. i think i need to go for a walk. & start running again. i miss being in shape.

i wrote something the other day.
don't really know what you'd consider it. it wasn't really a poem. wasn't really a story. wasn't really much of anything. just another one of my several hundred ramblings. debating on whether i want to post it or not. i probably won't. it's stupid. haha. i don't know what made me think of getting on livejournal again. i guess i kind of miss it. venting out is nice. rambling about nothing helps me make sense of my thoughts. & no one reads it anyway. :] at least i don't think anyone does. ryan hasn't been on in ages, & doug hasn't either. i don't know about bry. GUYS IF YOU'RE READING THIS LEAVE ME SOME LOVE. ;D hahaha. if you're anyone else, you might as well just not bother, because then i'll stop updating as in-depth as i do, & you won't get to understand who i am. so basically, if you're stalking me, i don't wanna know about it. ;]

it hurts reading back on all of my old entries.
i thought about deleting them. i decided against it. you can't delete the past, so why bother trying to erase the thoughts you had at the time? i'll always have them tucked away inside of me, even though it bothers me when they pop up. i also realized that i was a naive little fool. haha. guess you can't do much about that. i've grown up a lot in the past year. i'm much better at looking at the brighter side of things, too. they say all things happen for a reason. i finally think i can understand why all the events of the past year happened. i'm thankful for them. they've shaped me in so many ways. for the better, of course. i'm more mature than anyone gives me credit for. do i mind? no. i'd almost rather they think of me as foolish & ditsy. it's easier that way. then i don't have to share how i think or feel, & all the explanations that go along with that. i've never been good with explaining. or opening up to people in general. i think i get that from dad, who claims to hate human contact. which is complete bullshit. haha. maybe it's just my trust issues. they were never that bad until 7th grade. i don't see why i even have them. it makes no sense. well, then again, i don't make any sense either. so i guess it all matches up.

i think i'm finally happy with who i am.
i have flaws. many, many flaws. but i can accept them. they're what makes me different. & i'd much rather be someone that's "out there" than someone who has to be a photocopy of another person. you know, i used to want to fit in. i used to feel like an outcast. i really don't anymore. & now that i don't worry about any of that, i think that i was being a complete idiot about not fitting in the first place. i think my perception is skewed sometimes. i don't think that i see the world the same way as other people. which is why i'm slightly nervous about sharing my opinions & beliefs with everyone else. which is why i don't speak up in class. i think, anyway. i don't know. i'm still trying to figure myself out, i guess. by rambling. & trying to throw my thoughts together. doesn't always work so well. & right now, my mind is on other things, so that's obviously not helping matters.

i have to leave for school in a little less than an hour.
we've got to be there early. at five. working on the new dance & whatnot, before the band geeks [i'm one of them] have to leave. i am so sick of the dance at this point. it makes me want to bang my head against the wall. which i will not do. because i have amazing self-restraint. haha. anyway. football game against dirigo tonight. we're undefeated, & we need to beat them. it starts at seven. my boyfriend is playing. oh yeah, i have a boyfriend now. his name is holden. & it took him frigging long enough to ask me out. well, actually, at least he put some thought into it. i'd much rather have that than have someone try to date me after only knowing me for like, a week. so it's a good thing i'm patient. haha. i guess everything works out how it's supposed to in the end. i love him.

& this weekend will consist of the following:
well, after the game, I WILL BE AT ASHLEY'S HOUSE. & we will probably stay up all night. or try to. depends on how long i can manage to stay up. i'll end up acting drunk & slurring while i talk after a while. i always do. it's like sleep deprivation is alcohol for me. .. yeah, i really don't understand it, either. & then, saturday, we'll be going to tori's house & we'll have another mad party/possible all-nighter. sunday & monday, though, i have no idea what's going on yet. we'll have to wait & see. if nothing gets planned, i'll just end up relaxing. & there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. haha. so, i've decided that this weekend will kick some major ass. feel free to be jealous. ;]





i should probably go clean some more, & pack my stuff.
but i will no longer neglect my livejournal. i pinky promise. haha.

wow, i never update anymore. it's kind of depressing.
i don't know why i'm bothering to now. i guess i just need to vent. & no one besides ryan ever reads this anyway, so i don't see what it'll hurt. because ryan is good people, & he doesn't mind when i ramble about how things suck sometimes. YAY FOR RYAN. :]

first of all.
it all started out late friday, really. this strange, empty feeling washed over me. it was unexpected. i had an overall great week, & that usually doesn't happen. & when it does happen, it doesn't last long. so i guess i should have been expecting SOMETHING to go wrong. anyway, it hit me hard. like a hurricane wiping over all of my thoughts. i didn't tell anyone about this, because i hate telling people when something's wrong. i hate it when people know how i feel. i hate feeling so .. unstable. there are very few people that i will even attempt to talk to about something that's bothering me. most of the time, unless it's something i consider a big deal, i keep it secret anyway. i remained up in my room for the majority of the night, only coming down to eat. & covering everything up all the while.

saturday .. it got worse.
i don't know what it was. i just snapped. somehow, i ended up in my bed around three in the afternoon. i had brighter than creation's dark [drive-by truckers album] blasting, & i laid there & tried to shut everything off & out. the music helps me 99.9% of the time, but the .1% just HAD to be that afternoon. it couldn't have been any other time, when i was coping with things fine. no, it had to be when i had no idea why every single part of me hurt like hell. because we all know what amazing luck i have. mom came up eventually & talked to me, & asked me if i was sleeping. & i kind of mumbled, & said there was nothing better to do. which errupted into a mass explosion on her part, & ended with me bawling my eyes out. & none of that makes any sense whatsoever. after her nuclear bomb of words was done with, she realized i was upset, & we had a long talk about nothing in particular. she felt bad, & i felt bad that she felt bad. it wasn't her fault, really. she was stressed, & i was a mess of emotions. if it was anyone's fault, it was my own. i didn't come downstairs much that night, either.

yesterday was completely awful.
i woke up at seven, & couldn't manage to fall back asleep. i went downstairs & stared at the tv for a while. i'm honestly not sure if i ever turned it on or not. i went upstairs & wrote a bit, & continued to shut myself off. i don't remember exactly when, but it was sometime around noon that i called steve. we had a .. not very good conversation. it was completely awful, actually. & i know he feels bad about it, but i can't accept an apology right now. i'm still out of control emotionally. i'm not even sure if i'm mad at him or not. i've discovered that i can't stay mad at him for a long period of time, & it's extremely frustrating. not because i want to be mad at him. it's more or less because i've never had that kind of problem with anyone else before. .. it scares me. so all of that just added to my absolutely wonderful situation. more hurt, more confusion. life.

today wasn't stellar, either.
i mean, yes, snow days are usually great, but not when you don't have children running around the house all day. & by all day, i mean eight in the morning to five at night. i woke up to a phone call at seven, & screaming at eight. this wouldn't have bothered me, but i knew exactly how the damn day was going to go. luke was going to be a snotty brat & not entertain his company, leaving me or mom to do it instead. plus, you know, there was the slight factor that i was having emotional problems that don't exactly disappear in .5 seconds. but of course, no one at home knew that. mom knew i was having issues on saturday, but i'm pretty sure she thought i was over them, or else she wouldn't have let the girls come over. so this was how my day went. i got up & played wii with the girls for a while, & left them & luke alone so i could get on the computer for a bit & maybe have some alone time. not half an hour passed, & i hear luke announce, "UGHH THERE'S NOTHING TO DO." this was directed at mom, of course, who doesn't deserve to be responsible for lucas the snothead & his lack of abilities to be an entertainer. so i, still trying to not have another emotional fit, decided to take the children downstairs & try to repair the playstation that got screwed up because of my brother. i fixed it in about five minutes; the av output wasn't plugged in correctly. which resulted in praise for them, plus mom, who also wanted to relax. i migrated to my room & wrote. another half an hour later, & i guess they got sick of the playstation. hence, the girls end up attacking me. normally, i don't mind playing with them, but when you're on the verge of possibly punching a wall one second & crying out an ocean the next, it's probably not an ideal time to be around anyone in general, especially your brother's much younger friends who have no idea how you feel. so i ended up trying to find things for them to do, & failed miserably. everything went like that for a while, until luke decided at noon or so that he wanted to go outside in freezing cold temperatures with wind blowing his damn face off. at this point, my eyes were bugging me to death, & i looked in the mirror & saw that they were bloodshot all to hell. so i had to take my contacts out & get eye drops put in. this led to me wandering around the house blindly for quite some time, until mom brilliantly remembered that i have glasses. so i spent 15 minutes trying to find those without success, & had to recruit her to help me. turns out, they were sitting right out in the frigging open. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE WORLD SOMETIMES? argh. the rest of the day involves more stress & irritation. nothing really different than the above.

as for now, & tomorrow,
i'm wearing my stupid glasses to school. i hate my glasses. i have always hated my glasses. i hate them, i hate how they look, i hate how they look on me, i hate the way they feel. i just hate them. now, i'd much rather put my contacts in & suffer from some bloodshot eyes, but NO, mom has decided that i have to give my eyes a rest. hence, i'm being forced to wear my glasses or wander the school blindly all day. she'll probably hide my damn contacts on me or something when i go to sleep tonight. i have to present my biology, too, & with my wonderful luck, it probably won't work again, even though it's on a pen drive this time around. i don't want to present anyway, & it makes me want to do it even less when i have to stand up there with my stupid ass glasses on. & to top it all off, i haven't made much improvement in the emotional turmoil problem. tomorrow's going to be wonderful. i can just sense it.




we gotta stay positive.

that kid is my hero. <3333
damn straight motha fluffer.

it's gonna be a miracle if i make it through the rest of day without stabbing someone.
i'm listening to my angry song right now.




this morning frigging sucked.
mom woke me up half an hour before the bus came,
& had some crazy screaming attack on me, because everything is my fault.
it's my fault that there are murderers & rapists. did you know that?
[no, mom didn't say it, but she made it feel like i was the shittiest person in the world. she didn't mean to.]
she tried to make it up when i was leaving, but i was too mad to care.
& i had to run for the stupid bus, which i hate anyway,
& i couldn't sit in my freaking normal seat because it was taken.
which normally wouldn't have mattered at all to me.
however, since i was majorly pissed in the FIRST place,
angered me even more. over a stupid bus seat.
so i was pissed at the world, & myself. life is great.


surprisingly, school made stuff better.
unlike last year, when it made everything worse.
but cheering practice probably just about killed me.
because i have no artistic ability whatsoever,
meaning i have to do two more posters.
one i would have had to do anyway.
but i had to throw my other one out because it looked like a piece of shit.
kind of like something out of dawn of the dead.


perfect. it looked just like this.
i'm so glad i could find such an accurate image of my poster.
it makes me feel happy inside.

see, mom has the artistic gene in the family.
apparently, this was not given to me.
instead, i got dad's shitty talent, which involves:
drawing stars like a four-year-old & queer-looking stick-figures,
as well as the inability to have nice handwriting.
so i have a major problem when it comes to making posters,
meaning i probably shouldn't be on the squad ANYWAY,
yet i am. it's a strange world.

then i couldn't learn the frigging dance.
& i couldn't remember the cheers. so i was frustrated.
& i was doing everything horribly.
so at first, i was just depressed.
then, i got extremely pissed.
& wanted to punch a wall.
luckily, i have self-restraint.
yay for self-restraint!






i'm still ready to stab someone, though.
most likely myself, with the rate i'm going at.
band [geek] practice better make things better.
all i remember is having craploads of fun at them last year,
& acting dumb with bry, ashley, & amanda.
god. i hope it's the same as last year.

i'm so sick of this.

i'm sick of everyone in this damn house.
i'm sick of feeling the need to pound my head against a wall.
i'm sick of people frigging lying to me.
i'm sick of not being able to vent out.
i'm sick of not knowing it'll all be okay.
i'm sick of being on the verge of exploding.
i'm sick of hurting like so much.
i'm sick of not knowing why.
i'm sick of not knowing how to make it stop.
i'm sick of feeling like this.
i want all of it to go away.
so why the hell won't it stop?


i wish i could get away from here for a little while ..

i've been long, a long way from here.
put on a poncho, played for mosquitoes,
& drank til i was thirsty again.
we went searching through thrift store jungles.
found geronimo's rifle, marilyn's shampoo,
& benny goodman's corset and pen.

well, okay, i made this up.
i promised you i'd never give up.

if it makes you happy,
it can't be that bad.
if it makes you happy,
then why the hell are you so sad?

you get down, real low down.
you listen to Coltrane, derail your own train;
well who hasn't been there before?
i come round, around the hard way.
bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread,
& serve you french toast again.

well, okay, i still get stoned.
i'm not the kind of girl you'd take home.

if it makes you happy,
it can't be that bad.
if it makes you happy,
then why the hell are you so sad?

we've been far, far away from here.
put on a poncho, played for mosquitoes,
& everywhere in between.

well, okay, we get along.
so what if right now everything's wrong?

if it makes you happy,
it can't be that bad.
if it makes you happy,
then why the hell are you so sad?
-- if it makes you happy [sheryl crow]





















i'm so sick of myself.

know what i hate?
summer homework.
i wanna have a book-burning ceremony for huck finn.
i hate mark twain. i'm about ready to bring him back to life, & kill him again.
seriously. don't ever ever ever read huckleberry finn.
unless you want to zombie-fy your brain.
it's horrible. i hate it.




this is mark twain. isn't he foxy? YEAHHH BABY YEAHHHH.
too bad he has to write completely brain-killing books.
















i have to go to that stupid sports meeting tomorrow.
i don't want to. i'd rather stay home & watch the olympics.
but NOOOOO. if i don't go, i can't cheer for football. >:/

speaking of cheering,
we get to run two miles per practice.
one at the beginning, & one at the end.
i am SO TOTALLY looking forward to THAT!
</sarcasm>

i bet i'll pass out. & die from lack of oxygen. that'll suck.
bummer. better get some funeral plans set up.